Hello my lovely friends, it's been quite some time since I've last written in my blog, and I will tell you that it's been some transformative couple of months. First of all, I deleted my social media for this blog (contrary to my last post where I was thinking it would be a good thing).
Instead of making me feel like I could spread my wings and fly, it only made me feel trapped and stressed out. I think it's so important to be true to ourselves, and when something is not feeling right, to not try to pretzel ourselves into it (even if it seems like it's what everyone else is doing). Their happiness is not going to be the same as my happiness. I need to be true to myself. And if that means being a lesser known, hidden gem on the world-wide-web, then so be it. Whoever is meant to be here with me, will be here with me :).
Also, some of you may have noticed that it's been two months that I've been offline. Sometimes we have to go into hibernation, and that's what I've been up to. Resting and being quiet is where I think true self-work starts to happen. In the quiet of our hearts. That's the only place where we can get truly honest with ourselves.
Being true to ourself takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of hard work to peel down the layers– and find things we didn't want to see. And then to keep peeling down the layers, unsure of what we will find next.
A lot of us are scared to take that time of quiet and really look inside.
Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes we cannot look inside alone. Sometimes it does take a trusted friend or even a therapist to stand beside us as we look at our past, hold our wounds, and stare our greatest fears in the eye.
It's amazing how bringing the darkest parts of us into the light makes those parts lose their power. Suddenly, those things not as bad as we thought. They are much more manageable.
As my good friend Mr. Rogers once put it, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable."
And as a good priest once told me, "Secrets are the devil's playground. The things we keep hidden in the dark, the devil has power to use it against us. But if we bring it to the light, all evil loses its power."
We each have our own deepest, darkest secret that we've kept in the dark, and without our knowing, it holds power over us.
What is your darkest secret that you want to be liberated from?
I think the quarantine of 2020 has been a time that we have all have needed in order to take a look at those things we keep hidden. It's been time quiet enough for us to hear our heart pull at our sleeve like a small child, asking for attention.
In addition to being a time I've been able to take an honest inventory of my past, 2020 has been a time when my heart has been telling me that there are ways that I've been living that aren't working for me anymore.
I've learned about how I give my power away every time I listen too much to the opinions of others. How boundaries are something I'm allowed to have. To stop trying to please everyone around me because that's not my job. To realize that the only person responsible for my happiness is myself, and to take ownership and accountability for it. And also that I am not responsible for the wellbeing and happiness of everyone around me.
These are things that I have been learning and that I am continuing to learn (things that are awkward to put into practice at times), and I know will take time. But thus far, they have been transformational. I'm no longer as sensitive and insecure as I used to be (or at the very least I'm now aware of it and taking real steps to free myself from that). This is a big change for me.
Lastly, during these past few months of hibernation, I have slowly come to a deeper realization of a comforting truth: that I am a precious child of God. I know that sounds like something pretty basic for someone who was raised in a religious family. But it feels like something so new touching my heart.
I think somewhere along the way, I started believing that maybe I am not that worthy. After failing so many times and encountering seasons of suffering, it's easy to tell myself God's love is for others but not for me. It's in those moments when the enemy tries to whisper the thing we fear the most, that we are not really lovable at all.
But all I know is that during this time of quiet, God has been shattering this lie and showing me the truth, that I am worthy. He has been helping me rediscover my self-esteem.
Self-esteem is really a self-estimate. When we leave our self-esteem up to the world, the world will always estimate our self-worth based on what we can offer, what we can give to it. Sometimes we have a lot to give, sometimes we have almost nothing.That's why there are people out there whose self-esteem spikes up and drops down so much throughout life. They have let the world estimate their self-worth.
But when we put our self-esteem in God, then we are able to accurately make our self-estimate... To God, we were worthy since we were in our mother's womb, before we could do anything or have anything to offer. We are worthy and precious in ourselves. This is the most accurate self-estimate, and it brings me so much joy and comfort. Because I know I am just as worthy even when I fall short. Even when I try to be good and keep failing.
May this truth be the bedrock of your confidence and peace, as it has slowly started becoming mine.
Sending you lots of love,