How I'm Really Feeling about Love

I asked my mom what she thinks of this picture of me before I posted this, and she said, "You look a bit serious." Lol. I snapped this hoping to capture myself being pensive, looking into the distance, but I think I seem more melancholy. And to be honest, that's kind of the mood I've been feeling around love in general these days.

This post is for all of you who have been disillusioned in love. I don't really have an agenda for what I am going to write today, but I want to share because this is just how I have been feeling. So if you are not interested in me venting for 3 minutes, then you can stop here. For those of you who want to come along for the ride, here we go.

I'm going to be honest with you. I'm tired of being disillusioned in love.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being disappointed in love.

I'm tired of thinking that maybe this is going to work out. That, hey, this looks actually pretty promising! And then falling flat on my face.

I'm tired, guys.

For those of you just joining my blog, I was engaged last year. I laugh because if he hadn't stepped out suddenly and left the scene, I actually thought I was going to get married. I was actually going to follow through with it. And that is just crazy to me. To think that you think you know, and then to find out that you actually don't. Nothing is certain in love.

Someone told me to stay positive, to not lose hope, that the right one will come along when I least expect it.

But to be honest, I don't even know if I want that.

Because when I weigh everything, the risk of starting something new with someone I don't really know– the risk of having my heart broken all over again just doesn't seem worth it.

Do you know how much heartbreak sucks?

Some people go through heartbreak and they are able to jump right back into it. "Onto the next," they say. That's definitely not me.

When I go through heartbreak, it takes years. I'm crying as I write this because what the heck? Why does it have to take so long? Why do I have to feel so much and why can't I bounce right back like everyone else seems to be able to?

Heartbreak takes everything out of me. For the first 3 months, I'm completely glazed over. I am barely surviving literally. After 6, I'm still struggling to let go and find my new normal. The first year is up and I'm still pretty disillusioned about the topic. God forbid it happen again, but once it took me 3 years to truly get over someone.

At this point, right here right now, it's been a year since the breakup. I can tell you that I feel like I've finally, truly returned to myself again. I can say that I feel at peace and happy again. It was my birthday last month, and I experienced true, deep gratitude and joy for being alive. That is huge for me.

People encourage me to stay positive about love. But for what? I have worked SO hard over the last year to rebuild my self-esteem. I've worked so hard to learn how to find happiness right inside myself, apart from other people or a relationship.

Why risk the stability, peace, and contentment I've just found for something that is so uncertain?

I can honestly tell you I've found a home in my heart. It's been a journey, and I'm still growing into this, but it's the best place I've been in a LONG time. Why risk that safe space I've worked so hard to build this past year and swap it for a roller coaster of a ride, where you're not strapped in, and where the wheels sometimes fly off the track? Just, why?

You know what I mean??

I have a friend who is able to be so positive about love, even after heartbreak, God bless her. She said to me, "Who knows, maybe it's for the best the last one didn't work out, you don't know what's coming next. Who knows, you could meet a prince!" Lol.

I admire people like that. Who can be so optimistic about love. They are a breath of fresh air for my highly pessimistic self. I thank God for my friends who try to help me see the bright side of a bad situation, and to look toward the future with greater hope.

But right now, I just need to be where I am. I don't want to 'get back into the dating game.' All I want to do is be in my little cave and draw flowers, fold paper into cute little envelopes, put on some classical music, and make pretty things. That's all I really want.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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