Hey guys! It’s been far too many posts in which I’ve started with saying that it’s been awhile since I’ve been here, but hey, sometimes there are seasons of life that are meant for living and learning, just being present in the moment. But I want to return for a moment here to reflect on some things that have been marinating for awhile. Today will be more of a little journal entry.
I am here in Transylvania, Romania visiting family for about a month, which has left me with a lot of time to find quiet, be still, and reflect. This is the first time in awhile that hasn’t been go-go-go for me, and I truly believe God has brought me here to regain some clarity and direction in my life.
Here in my solitude and days of being with my thoughts, one of my loudest thoughts has been, in what direction is my life going?
In this short time that I’ve been here so far, one thing I’ve realized, and that is: My life feels pretty aimless right now, particularly in terms of where I see my future, both professionally and personally.
Sure, God has given me one of the greatest gifts this year, and that is a true community of friends— good friends, young men and women who are there to support me and make beautiful memories with along the way. I have never had so many truly good friends in my life. This all started with a rosary group I joined back in December 2020, but that’s another story for another time. I definitely see myself growing these friendships in the future. The point is, I don’t take this great blessing God has given me for granted. But still, I do feel a need to address the huge elephant in the room, which has been here since the start of 2020: where is my life going?
After the engagement and then almost immediate breakup, it took my life for a spin. I went from seeing this amazing new life ahead of me, to barely seeing at all. We can say that the 2020 quarantine was a blessing in disguise, as it gave me the space to really be where I was, even if that place was a place of being lost, confused, and in the process of healing.
Professionally, I was feeling out of it. I told myself it was because of the breakup, that I would find meaning in my work again. But the truth is that I had started feeling disconnected from my work awhile before the breakup even happened. Something was just… off. I was meeting with my students but I was not feeling like I was really helping them in the way that I used to. I’ve been feeling an on-and-off feeling of lack of purpose in my work.
This year, I have been praying and asking God where I’m supposed to go. There have been a good number of job opportunities that have come my way— good paying ones, too— but every time I thought about applying, all I could feel was a very real sense in my gut telling me not to apply. Something just didn’t feel right. All I could feel was God asking me to just wait. I must say that I’ve experienced a strange feeling of peace in just waiting. I’ve felt I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Unsatisfied with where I am. But waiting. Trusting that God will show me where next.
I have been ‘just waiting’ for the past year and a half. Waiting to heal. Waiting to see how this whole pandemic plays out. Waiting to hear from God about what next. It’s been a journey.
A journey filled with new friends, belly laughs that make me feel like I’m getting A-fib, and adventures that I could not imagine. Truly feeling alive. And at the same time, a journey of telling God something’s missing, and Him saying, “Wait…. wait.”
As I sit in my grandmother’s house, it’s like this question once more lays bare in my chest. I had a new job opportunity come up recently but it would involve moving about 2 hours away from my hometown and everything I know. There are many reasons I’ve discounted it since it’s so far from my comfort zone. But for the first time, instead of feeling like it’s not the right step, I’ve been feeling like maybe this is something God wants me to consider.
Moving that far from home is not something I imagined. For some, it may not seem that far. But knowing myself and the work I have done to overcome my struggle with anxiety, it does feel like a big step.
Maybe this is not the move that will eventually happen, but I do feel that God is asking me to think outside the box, to consider moving outside of my comfort zone. It’s only there that I can truly grow and become the person He’s dreamt me to be.
I will close this blog post with saying that for the first time in awhile, I am starting to feel that I may be coming out of my exile, out of my waiting. Maybe it’s too premature to say that out loud, but I do feel that God is moving…
Now, I leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses. May God bless you and continue to guide your path. I know He has a good plan ❤️…
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.